He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
