dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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