Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
