that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
