And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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