omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
