Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
