Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
