Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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