please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
