no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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