i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
