So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
