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I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
two words: eviction party
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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