omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
