I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
