And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
