Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
