So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
