if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
