He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
