I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
