plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.