My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!