just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
