a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
