Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
