You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
apparently the secret to your success is patron
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
