I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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