dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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