im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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