wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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