im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
