Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
