I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
