He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
