I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
