i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I had to cum in my sink.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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