So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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