no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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