You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
