I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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