My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
