What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
