That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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