so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
