Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
