Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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