I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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