One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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