Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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