Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.