If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
