Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
