Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
