genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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