All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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