ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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