Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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