I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
