I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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