I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
